A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE