Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?