Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The symmetry is uncanny.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done