Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
No chill.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.