OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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how it started vs how it ended
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
marvel comics have peaked