Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”