Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*