@ipalatsky: Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@TheOneTrueDisco: If I died and went directly to hell it would take me a month to realize I wasn't at work.
@qwertying: My son managed to lock the car with my keys still in the ignition.
He suggest a coat hanger.
I said we’re a few years too late for that.
@DaddyJew: Apparently shouting out "he has a gun" isn't the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
@Home_Halfway: I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes "on the rocks." They don't know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
@lucky_300: Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.