@ipalatsky: Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@david8hughes: [sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing's for bears
@lilnatebigworld: "Wow, that milk is spoiled!"
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
@FuckabillyRex: Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay's Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
@sdurbin23: Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.