Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”