@ipalatsky: Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@mattZillaaaa: Real friends don't put their babies on the phone to talk to you
@thetobbie: One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming...
@AristotlesNZ: Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.
@DiamondLou69: I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap...
...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.
@QwertyJones3: Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?
"I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."