@ipalatsky: Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
@animaldrumss: [ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let's discuss ways they could improve their image
@vikkaroni: Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
@warne888: When you're at someone's house? Normal people: "What a lovely house!" Me: "What's your wifi password?"
@brendohare: In honor of Mother's Day here's my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
@shutupmikeginn: Inception (2010) - Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.