No chill.
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
December birthdays be like…
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.