I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.