Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?