[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going