Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Sticker placement is key.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.