Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna