Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
This was the best day of my life