olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.