@sammyrhodes: Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.
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@iamburtjarvis: [in bed] her: u have done this before, right? me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey her: what? me: what?
@HockeyTornado: I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@AndyAsAdjective: It'll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.