[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
that’s really how it is
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?