[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.