[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…