[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.