[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣