Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
an octopus is just a wet spider
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”