[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
You Might Also Like
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
This is me
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!