“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
huge valentines day plans this year!!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.