“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I am HOWLING at this
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils