My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
So we got a goldfish…
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
how much for the angry fruit?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Inside you there are two wolves
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
What if all the cashiers are married?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.