Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.