My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.