just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
the dark web is just a goth google.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
grotesque if literal: baby food
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Super Hand Dog Face
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.