“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
who wore it better?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.