OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
“That’s what” – She
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register