OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog