@hilaryfairie: Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don't hate all those birches...
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@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!
@HatfieldAnne: Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They're asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
@fro_vo: [cruise] Me: boats freak me out Wife: listen to some music M: how W: there’s a band on ship M: a what W: a band on ship M: *jumps overboard*