Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”