OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
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FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
no one ever comes back
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔