@lazerdoov: OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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@tuckerflodman: [1st date] -I'm a fish whisperer. Wow, what does that mean? -*whispers* Fish. Oh... Haha um what do you- -*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
@patrickmarkryan: Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
@Carbosly: There's this guy at work who's giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow. His name was Tom.
@NotChuckBarkley: Everyone saying "Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again". POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I'm skinny.