@ReeseButCallMeV: OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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@Dana_Bruno: What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
@geowizzacist: My 4yo: Let's play a game! Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up? 4: No. Yes.
@dumbbeezie: The best part of being a bear would be waking up from hibernation and immediately killing something
@jayonguitar: When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.