OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.