OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be