“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.