“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I can’t stop watching this.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.