Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Smells like a challenge to me
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.