@echo262: OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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@patnspankme: Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you're getting fat & it doesn't fit anymore.
@kadyngriffiths: Thug: *shows tattoos of tear drops* So I remember each person I've killed. Me:*shows tattoo of an oven* So I remember to turn off the oven.
@SCbchbum: Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
@autumnsays_: I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy...my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water” *students erupt in laughter*