OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.