OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.