75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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No, YOUR illiterate.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.