OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
seems like a niche market
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Lmaoo 😂
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.