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@Sickayduh: "OMG I'm so wet right now"
- Me after washing a spoon
@bornmiserable: Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
@zachreinert03: I hate "save the date" engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out "hey forget about that one date 6 months ago" cards
@weinerdog4life: I like to push the "stop time" button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.
@Beesthegame: "Can someone call me a doctor?!"
You're a doctor.
"Please I'm losing my patience!"
You're a terrible doctor.
@jackmackenroth: My bank says my password isn't strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?