I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.