OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*