OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace