OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker