Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.